Hunting, Fishing and Other Grounds for Divorce, by Jacki Michels
I don’t know why, but it seems that s-o-m-e husbands are hard-wired to lie. Shame on you men who are right now shaking your head and feeling superior because you didn’t actually lie about buying that new blowtorch — or whatever it is you happened to forget to mention — and covertly stashed the receipt in the woodstove.
Why lie? It’s not like we wives will not eventually notice the large item that is lurking under that really big tarp that was oh-so-casually tossed over whatever that large mass is in the garage, and eventually — oh, eventually — you will have to fess up.
Could it be that there is actually guilt involved? I think it is more likely that they dread the inevitable: The truth. Because for the next several long minutes he will be reminded, many redundant times over, about the fact that, “We were on a budget!” Which will be followed up by, “You froth at the mouth when I buy groceries and generic deodorant, and you — YOU! Well! You melt the credit card with a blowtorch! Bet you didn’t even get a coupon for it, did ya?”
He will most likely make excuses, but omission of the truth is lying without actually putting any effort in it, aka — lazy lying. Other men take the understated approach to their tale-telling. This is a naughty little habit that goes something like this:
Wife: “Holy dead, decaying cow! What’s that smell?”
Then, looking cross and suspicious, she adds, “Did you fart?”
To which he pinches his thumb and pointer fingers together as he admits to letting a “little one.” There is also the boldfaced lies, the blaming lie and the famous, “I forgot,” which is another subject altogether, unless he is lying and betting that copping to forgetting is safer than the truth — which, by definition, is actually lying.
Under some circumstances, however, all this fibbing could actually work in a husband’s favor. But no. Ask him — especially an inexperienced husband — one of the dangerous questions and you’d think he was just hooked up to a sodium pentothal drip, wired to a lie detector and sworn — so help him God — into a congressional hearing, all at the same moment.
And before he can utter, “Holy blowtorches, Batman!” he’s singing like a canary, confessing that, “Yes, it is maybe possible you could stand to loose a few Quarter-Pounders off your thighs. And in fact, Honey Buns, your new haircut is not exactly my favorite, but don’t worry, it’ll grow out. And, Sweetheart, Baby, trust me when I tell you it would be OK if you never, ever, e-v-e-r made that recipe you made last night — and I really mean n-e-v-e-r.”
Then he will look her up and down and sigh. He will sigh, and he will tell her, with all honestly, that she’s truly the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen, right before he notices those pretty new shoes.
- Grounds for Divorce No. 7,440: Lying to your spouse.
- Grounds for Divorce No. 7,441: Not lying to your spouse.
Jacki Michels is happily married to Ken Michels, despite the fact that he happened to forget to mention that welder that went with the blowtorch.