With a little help

Hunting, Fishing and Other Grounds for Divorce, by Jacki Michels, for the Redoubt Reporter

I recently learned that there is an official patron saint to pray to for almost every life issue a mortal will ever face. Like Hallmark, there’s a saint for every occasion, from cooking to bad weather. No kidding. There is a saint for health, travel, music, divorce and even a patron saint of handwriting. As I investigated further I confess to having a few celestial favorites. St. Anthony, the patron saint of lost items, is a definite fav. I’ve been calling on him without knowing it for years. Lost purses, cordless phones to cellphones, several sets of keys, temporarily misplaced children, dogs, cats. … If I had to pay for prayer time with ol’ Tony I’d definitely need the unlimited plan, no roaming or overages —  ever.

When it comes to St. Raphael, patron saint of lovers, and St. Elijah, patron saint of sleep, it’s hard to choose a favorite. Then there’s St. Vincent of Saragosssa (patron saint of wine) and St. Bibiana and St. Monica (patron saints of the hangover). It’s clear these saints are team players! They work together! I also feel a keen affection for St. Ramon, patron saint of silence. I’d like to delve into a deeper understanding of this silence one day.

For now, memories of St. Nick’s visit and St. Valentine’s Day are slowly fading. I find myself suspended in time until we celebrate our next saint, Patrick, patron saint of Ireland, at the annual Soldotna Sweeney’s day parade. (A little aside here, we always told our son, Patrick, that this parade was just for him.)

I’m also soon to be suspended in time between needing to pray to the patron saint of college tuition costs and the saint of empty nesters — whose name I imagine sounds somewhat like the name of an exotic tropical island.

In this lull time, I find myself contemplating other lesser-known candidates for canonization. Take St. Gieko of A Sissy. Pray to her holiness when your teen is close to the age of independent driving and you KNOW your insurance rates will rival the national debt, if you don’t die of a stroke first. No need for formal prayer with her, just yell, “FOR GOODDDNESSSSAKE!! BREAK!!!! NOOOOOW!”

And what about St. Fude? Most high and beloved patron saint of family reunions? How could we cope without him?

I had a few others in mind, but at the moment I can’t seem to recall exactly where I placed them in my brain.

“Oh Tony, yoo-hoo! It seems I’ve lost my mind again. Little help, here?”

Grounds for staying married:

  • Getting your wife a St. Valentine’s card, even if said husband had to have his teenage son write a note to mom for him because he forgot to scribble on it before going to work. (Oh yes, it’s true. Special thanks to our very own St. Patrick and his highness of handwriting, Saint Paschal Baylon).
  • Getting your wife a new remote starter for her truck and cellphone after St. Anthony himself could not find said wife’s lost purse containing her remote starter, cellphone and assorted wifely purse junk.
  • A wife being exceptionally quiet the morning after her husband sampled all his homebrew experiments. Particularly when she can listen to her truck engine whirr to life at the push of a button.

Jacki Michels is a freelance writer who lives (and loves) in Soldotna.

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